Today is April 2!

Did you miss last night’s executive order?

Robert Reich Apr 1

Friends,

Today is actually April 2. Your calendar may show April 1 but late last night President Trump issued an executive order making all months 30 days long. That means March actually ended Sunday, March 30, and yesterday was April 1. “This will give dangerous aliens one fewer day each month to cross our borders illegally” Trump said.

“It’s more efficient to do away with the 31st’s,” added Elon Musk, whose Department of Government Efficiency has been cutting days out of the calendar for months.

But scientists are criticizing the move. “It leaves the earth six days short of a full cycle around the sun each year,” said Dr. Earnest Won, a Nobel Prize-winning geophysicist at the Berkeley Geodesic Laboratory.

In a second executive order issued late last night seemingly in response to Dr. Won, Trump mandated that the six extra days be devoted to himself.

Henceforth, what had been known as January 31, March 31, July 31, August 31, October 31, and December 31 will be known as “Trump Days,” in which “the nation can show its gratitude to the 45th and 47th president.”

“It still doesn’t add up,” said Dr. Won, “What about February?”

That was Dr. Won’s last comment before government agents forcibly took the geophysicist from his home in Berkeley, California, early this morning.

(Happy April 1.)