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Thank you Mandy Ohman, Leah Anderson, Jeanne Elbe, the real pambo, Peggy Rothschild, and many others for tuning into our live video!
Love y’all!
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Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t post AI videos of itself because that’s loser shit.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the State of the Union address is almost upon us. And the state of the union is a total fucking shitshow. That’s probably what we won’t hear tomorrow night, but we will sure as hell feel it and see it. Like all things Trump, the SOTU poses a challenge for Democrats, and we’re all curious to see how they’re going to handle it. A lot of Democrats are going this route, and we respect it…
That makes sense. Fuck Trump. It’s not worth our time to listen to that dumb shit or lend it even an ounce of credibility. That is probably the wise and mature thing to do. But if we might be so bold, we would like to suggest an alternative to boycotting. Instead, we think every elected Democrat should start eating beans right this second. Do nothing but eat beans between now and the time of the address. Then, when it starts, just let ‘er rip. Fart like America needs you to fart. Turn that chamber into the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles. Let a righteous and foul wind overtake the Capitol. It’s time to Dutch Oven every last one of these assholes. Let this State of the Union forever be remembered as the first State of the Poo-nion.
Only then, when the members’ faces have turned to green and the entire chamber is beset by fits of dry-heaving, will Donald Trump be able to accurately convey the state of our fucked up union. So screw the boycott. Let’s stink those fuckers out. Oh wait. That’s the president’s strategy. Damnit. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Are you snowed in? Again? Well that sucks. But it also gives you some time to catch up on the bonus Therapy episode we did on Friday. Be safe out there, SPs!
Note three: Trump is losing his shit over SCOTUS’s tariff ruling. He says he’s going to call them th supreme court now because he doesn’t respect them. Can we please find a fucking adult to lead the country? More: The Hill
Note four: We want to wish congrats to the men’s U.S. hockey team, but man, we just can’t do it. So congrats to the Sexy Patriots who root for them. That’s about the best we can do. More: Yahoo Sports
Note five: And seriously, fuck Trump and fuck Kash for getting their gross stank all over this moment…
Note six: How do we think the media would have responded if Biden or Obama’s FBI director was partying it up in Italy on our dime while a prominent media personality’s mother was missing? Yeah. Exactly.
Note seven: Some scary scenes in Puerto Vallarta after Mexican forces killed a cartel leader. We’re sending love to everyone there, especially Americans who were just trying to surf Sayulita. More: NBC News
Note eight: So the greatest thing in the world happened this weekend and we were gonna lead the newsletter with it until we thought of that hilarious fart thing. The Pope told VP Couch Canoodles to get fucked. Yeah, Leo said no thanks to America’s 250th bday party. He’s gonna hang with migrants instead. So put that in your sofa and suck it, JD! More: Yahoo
Note nine: And the Pope ain’t alone. Most of Europe hates us right now. And frankly, we don’t blame them. More: NBC News
Note 10: Like we said, this is some loser shit.
Note 11: This isn’t the point of this post, but man, Steven Cheung really is the ugliest human being to ever walk this Earth. It’s like he was bitten by an ugly radioactive spider. More: HuffPost
Note 12: Poll after poll shows that America hates Trump. ABC has his rating at the lowest since Jan. 6. If only our goldfish-brained country had remembered Jan. 6 when it was time to vote. More: Yahoo
Note 13: Sure, it’s bad for the economy but we’re really hoping Trump keeps doubling down on his dumbfuck tariffs…
Note 14: Sen. Foghorn Leghorn aka John Kennedy decided to attack AOC for being a bartender. It was such a stupid hit that even Ana Paulian Luna called it out. And her granddad was an actual nazi soldier. We’re not making that up. More: The Hill
Note 15: Greenland helped out a U.S. sailor last week. Instead of saying thank you, Trump announced he’s sending a hospital ship there. Unfortunately, we don’t have any working hospital ships right now. Are we great again or what?HuffPost
Note 16: LOL. Big congrats to Rep. Jeff Hurd who lost his Trump endorsement this weekend. Stop crying, Jeff. You’re free to be an actual human being now. More: NBC
Note 17: We’re not mathematicians, but we do know rotting poop when we see it…
Note 18: Man, we sure are sympathetic for anyone who suffers from tourettes. But there is just no fucking universe where two Black men should have to stand on stage listening to the n-word. Shitty situation, and we’re not exactly sure what the answers are. More: Vanity Fair
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to a country that doesn’t hate itself. Nice to see the yutes taking over. Congrats to the Netherlands!
Note 20: And on that youthful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend and that you’ve been eating your beans. It’s stupid to get into a stank-off with Trump, but we have to at least try. Love y’all!
Sigh. We had forgotten Aileen Cannon existed. And it was nice. But she’s back in the news today, and it ain’t for good reasons. Aileen has decided that no American should ever be allowed to see Volume II of Jack Smith’s report. She also barred Smith from sharing the conclusions. This is fucking insane. It’s quite obvious that Cannon wants Alito’s seat and she’ll do anything to get it. But we paid for this fucking report and we deserve to see it. So who’s got the balls to leak it?
More: The Hill
Man, that free market shit sure was a lie, wasn’t it? Trump is now openly threatening “consequences” for Netflix if they don’t fire former Trump aide Susan Rise from their board. You might recall that Netflix is currently trying to buy Warner Bros. (and CNN) and that Trump wants it to go to his friends who bought Paramount instead. So yeah, this is some super illegal bullshit. Btw, while we’re on this subject, we’d like to invite Titanic director James Cameron to go fuck himself. Cameron, who has a stake in Paramount, is pushing for the Trump-friendly deal and sucking up to Trump trash like Mike Lee to make it happen. What a massive disappointment.
Remember last week when we told you that the Labor Secretary’s husband had been banned from the Labor Department because he allegedly sexually assaulted two women who work there? Well the Trump scum at DOJ are making it go away. Yeah, miraculously Shawn DeRemer is getting a pass from Jeanine Pirro. Aren’t we all shocked? The Trump administration is a full-on fucking crime spree and the mainstream media don’t really seem to care. In fact, we had to link to this goddamn CBS story because we couldn’t find it anywhere else.
Today’s clips
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court agreed Monday to hear an attempt by energy companies to throw out a lawsuit filed in Colorado seeking to hold them accountable for the costs of climate change. More: NBC
WASHINGTON (AP) — An armed man drove into the secure perimeter of Mar-a-Lago, President Donald Trump’s resort in Palm Beach, Florida, before being shot and killed early Sunday morning, according to a spokesman for the U.S. Secret Service. More: AP News
VAIL, Colo. (AP) — American skier Lindsey Vonn says she nearly lost her left leg following a frightening crash in the women’s downhill at the Milan Cortina Olympics. More: AP News
German soccer club Werder Bremen has canceled a planned summer tour to Minneapolis and Detroit, saying the unrest surrounding President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown in Minnesota doesn’t align with the club’s values. More: HuffPost
Nick Reiner is scheduled to appear in a Los Angeles courtroom Monday, where he is expected to enter a plea in the killings of his parents, Hollywood director Rob Reiner and producer Michele Singer Reiner. More: HuffPost
Anderson Cooper traveled to South Africa to get to the bottom of President Donald Trump’s claim of a “genocide” of white, predominantly Afrikaner farmers in the latest episode of 60 Minutes on Sunday evening. More: Mediaite
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We’re so grateful for everyone who joined us on the live today including the real pambo, Ms. H, Natalie Woodn’t 🇨🇦, Jill B., Karen RN and everyone watching now, and everyone catching it later. We’re especially grateful for the sexy patriots who show up every day and keep building this community with us. This is a real community, and it’s what keeps us going, every single day.
Wishing you all a wonderful New Year. Drop what’s on your mind in the comments and let’s take it into 2026 together.
A special shout out to Kyle Shivers who made today possible with Adam’s failing internet.
Love y’all!!!!
Adam & Sam
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Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But George Will never called it a “sickening moral slum.”
Housekeeping note: There won’t be a therapy session today as Adam is traveling but we will let you know when this week we plan on doing it! Love y’all!
Note: Shhhhhhhh!!! Be quiet, Sexy Patriots. You might wake up the president of the United States. And that’s rude to do to someone while they’re going to the bathroom…
Adorable. Bet he’s dreaming about chasing cars. Oh wait. He’s not adorable at all. And he’s probably dreaming about some pretty fucked up shit! And by that we mean he’s definitely dreaming about Ivanka. Ewwww. Yeah, the guy who attacked the last guy as “sleepy,” can’t seem to stay awake these days. Probably because he stays up all night posting QAnon theories, which also doesn’t seem great. Does anyone else remember when the mainstream media thought the health and fitness of the president was the most important story ever LIKE SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO?!
Yeah, we feel your rage over the double-standard, but we’re going to surprise you here — we say let him sleep. Yeah, quit waking this asshole up. We were gonna announce a whole WAKE UP campaign aimed at America and our narcoleptic nutjob prez, but then we remembered he sucks worse when he’s awake. At least when he’s asleep, he’s not actively hurting anyone or spewing racist shit out of his gross mouth. We assume he still smells like wide-open ass though.
So let the man rest. While it’s true that he’s not working nearly as hard as the diapers he’s wearing, he still gets tuckered out. After all, it must be exhausting being that fucking awful all the time. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: How racist was asshead yesterday? Even the New York Times called out his “unapologetic bigotry.” More: New York Times
Note three: We thought Rep. Omar’s response was absolutely perfect. And she’s right. Trump’s obsession with her is creepy as hell. More: Mediaite
Note four: You won’t be shocked to learn that Putin’s bitches didn’t end the war. Trump even sucks at surrendering. More: HuffPost
Note five: This greedy motherfucker heard of Giving Tuesday for the first time yesterday. Worst poker face ever.
Note six: The anti-vaxx freaks are meeting this week. We can’t wait to find out how they’re going to kill more kids. More: NBC News
Note seven: Trump is threatening to starve more Americans. Thank goodness that fucker is a Christian or we’d really be in trouble. More: NBC News
Note eight: That George Will thing is brutal. He calls Hegseth a war criminal without a war. And he’s right. More: Mediaite
Note nine: This drunken racoon is the spirit animal we needed for 2025. And he’s probably our next Secretary of Defense. More: Associated Press
Note 10: They really are the dumbest, most incompetent motherfuckers on the planet. Or they’re nazis. And at this point we think it’s both.
Note 11: Demand Justice is going after John Fetterman and Maggie Hassan for being Trump stooges. Good. Send a message. More: Associated Press
Note 12: The right is upset about a pink sweater. We think it’s pretty cool. Sam wears lots of pink. Because it’s cool and it looks good. Also, if you’re upset about a sweater, then go get some therapy. More: HuffPost
Note 13: Sleepy old child rape guy now says that “affordability is a scam.” LOL. Sharp messaging. Definitely go with that.
Note 14: Look, we’re glad that Larry Summers is tasting some accountability for being an Epstein creep, but we just don’t get why the president of the United States is getting a pass. More: Associated Press
Note 15: Just a reminder that healthcare premiums about to spike for millions of Americans and Republicans are focused on a fucking ballroom. More: Associated Press
Note 16: Jake Tapper is a bitch. That’s the note. More: Mediaite
Note 17: The new Pentagon press corps looks really gross and rapey.
Note 18: It didn’t even occur to us to thank Trump for keeping the hurricanes away. Of course we’ve never shot any puppies in the face either. More: Mediaite
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going on down to Georgia. While we didn’t get the big W in Tennessee we all hoped for, we did flip a mayoral seat in Roswell. Big congrats to Mayor-elect Mary Robichaux. Suck it, Kurt Wilson. More: 11Alive
Note 20: And on that victory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. And we changed our minds. Don’t be quiet. Be loud as fuck so that this asshole president knows what’s coming next November. Love y’all!
Ruh-roh
We don’t have credible government jobs reports anymore, so we have to rely on ADP. And ADP says things ain’t good. The payroll processing company said that the economy lost 32,000 jobs last month. But it gets so much worse for small businesses. More than 120,000 people lost their jobs at businesses that have fewer than 50 employees. This is what happens when you build an economy that only benefits 11 assholes at Mar-a-Lago. No wonder they had a cabinet meeting to tell us that next year will be better. Sure, Jan. More: CNBC
We stan Sabrina
The White House loves to rip off the music of popular artists and then use that music as a soundtrack for their evil. Well Sabrina Carpenter isn’t having that shit. Carpenter took to twitter to call out the White House for its “evil and disgusting” video. “Do not ever involve me or my music to benefit your inhumane agenda,” Carpenter wrote. And because the White House are a bunch of fucking morons, they decided to fire back and go to war with someone people actually like. It didn’t go great. As Ron Filipkowski pointed out this morning, Carpenter’s original tweet has 71 million views. Oops. More: HuffPost
They scared
Republicans are crowing about their big win in Tennessee last night, but we can smell their fear. Democrat Aftyn Behn came up short in a congressional special election, but she only lost by about 8 points in a district that Trump won by 22. Y’all, that is freaking huge. And despite the centrist pussies who showed up late last night to lecture us all about Behn being too liberal, Democrats showed that we are on the march. After all, a 13-point shift around the country next year would give us the House and maybe even the Senate. So ignore the haters and keep going. We’re taking this country back from the assholes and the cowards who enable them. Thank you to everyone who donated or volunteered to help out in Tennessee. We’ve got ‘em scared. More: NPR, News Channel 5
Today’s clips
The holiday season is here, and with it, a present for fans of end of year data and marketing: Spotify Wrapped is here! And Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny has been named its most-played artist for a fourth time, dethroning Taylor Swift. More: Associated Press
After a quiet start, the first American pope appears to be finding his voice. More: NBC News
The Trump administration could expand its travel ban to include as many as 30 countries, according to multiple reports. More: HuffPost
A federal immigration crackdown began Wednesday in New Orleans under an operation that a Homeland Security official said would target violent criminals, expanding the Trump administration’s sweeps that have unfolded in other U.S. cities. More: HuffPost
Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ) said he’s received “graphic” and “violent” threats since President Donald Trump called for him and other Democrats to be arrested and put on trial. More: Mediaite
Fox News host Laura Ingraham asked FBI Director Kash Patel about his use of the bureau’s jet to attend various recreational events across the country. More: Mediaite
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