FALLS CHURCH, VA (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Tuesday backed out of a televised debate with Vice President Kamala Harris on the grounds that he died in a helicopter crash “many years ago.” “I was on my helicopter flying over New Jersey when all of a sudden it went down,” he said. “I was with Willie Brown, who is also now dead, quite frankly.” He said that he would never agree to a debate on ABC because the network “is very biased against dead people.” “You look at ABC News, which might be the fakest news there is, and they don’t have a single dead person on the air,” he said. “As a dead person, I should be allowed to choose the moderator, and I would never agree to George Snuffleupagus.”
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