Middleboro Review 2: Trump's new DOJ toady SLAMS shut the Epstein case

Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Trump's new DOJ toady SLAMS shut the Epstein case

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BREAKING: US and Iran reportedly reach "in principle agreement" to extend ceasefire

VIDEO OF THE DAY: Trump's acting attorney general issues shocking announcement
Former Trump criminal defense lawyer and acting Attorney General Todd Blanche just announced with the wave of a very large imaginary wand that — poof! — ALL Epstein files have already been released and the matter, as far as he is concerned, is closed. This just days after Melania Trump called on Congress to hold public hearings for Epstein's victims to come forward and testify.

Intrepid observers will note that, at the time of former Attorney General Pam Bondi's firing, we were still waiting on THREE MILLION more documents to be released. Just guessing Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie and their allies in the House will have a slightly different take on the matter.

JD Vance says the pope should "be careful" how he discusses theology
Fake hillbilly JD Vance stopped by a Turning Point USA gathering in Georgia yesterday and lectured Pope Leo XIV on how he, the Vicar of Christ, should publicly discuss theology. Seriously. This, from the guy whose upcoming memoir about his highly publicized conversion to Catholicism, Communion: Finding My Way Back to Faith, mistakenly features a random Methodist church in rural Virginia on the cover utterly disconnected from his current faith or his Pentecostal upbringing in Ohio.

Looking forward to other exciting, upcoming lectures from the guy voted "Most Likely to Become an Adult Hall Monitor" in high school, including telling Caitlin Clark how to better shoot a basketball and instructing Artemis IV astronauts exactly how they should land on the Moon in 2028.

Take Action: Tell Congress to protect our voting rights and REJECT Trump's takeover of our elections!

MAGA Speaker Mike Johnson's House majority is down to just TWO VOTES
Flip the House: We have a very real opportunity to flip the House and finally put some clamps on Donald Trump's reign of terror and chaos this November, but it's not going to be easy. Trump has made it clear that there's nothing he won't do to tip the scales in his favor, so we need to win by a decisive enough majority to thwart his inevitable shenanigans. We've put together a donation page that will split any gifts between a group of Democratic candidates all locked in close, winnable House races, and every dollar might mean the difference between democracy or fascism. Will you chip in to help retake our country and stop Trump in his tracks?

GOP Senate Majority Leader John Thune says Senate GOP "prepared" to fill potential Supreme Court vacancy
Oh, no. Not again. Senate Republicans are making contingency plans to replace Justice Samuel Alito with...dear God, this can't be right...TED CRUZ? Or fellow Senate gasbag Mike Lee? Rumors about a strategic Alito retirement before the next elections — in hindsight, the very move the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Democrats really should have considered before the 2016 election — are swirling, and Senate Majority Leader Thune is already preparing to ram through another insufferable, right-wing extremist before they lose bigly in November. Winning the Senate just got a lot more important, and it was already practically a matter of life and death for our democracy.

Take Action: Stop Trump's warrantless surveillance of the American people!

California woman says she was raped by Rep. Eric Swalwell in 2018
A California woman on Tuesday said she was raped by Democratic Rep. Eric Swalwell in 2018 and now plans to make a report to law enforcement. Lonna Drewes said during a news conference that the assault occurred at a hotel in Southern California. She said she had one glass of wine that evening and believes Swalwell drugged her before raping her. Swalwell dropped out of the California governor’s race on Sunday and officially resigned from Congress yesterday following earlier allegations of sexual assault from a different woman and other credible claims of sexual misconduct.

Drewes said she did not undergo a rape kit but disclosed the alleged assault to people close to her and documented it in her journal. She said she also discussed the alleged rape during therapy sessions at a sexual assault center in Connecticut. Attorney Lisa Bloom said those journal entries, along with text messages and photographs, will be included in the forthcoming report to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department.

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Toddler forced back into ICE detention after nearly dying
In today's episode of Making America Unspeakably Cruel Again, we bring you the story of 18-month-old Amelia, who arrived at a Texas immigration "processing center" in December a healthy toddler, then spent weeks fighting off a raging fever while her own mother sought help at the facility's clinic on no less than eight separate occasions before her concerns were finally addressed.

At that point, Amelia's blood-oxygen levels — which should hover between 95 and 100 percent for a healthy person — had crashed into the low 50s, a level so catastrophically low it can cause permanent brain damage. Amelia was eventually transported to a hospital in San Antonio, where she spent the next 10 days in intensive care fighting off COVID, RSV, bronchitis, pneumonia, and an ear infection.

Upon discharge, Amelia and her mother were sent right back to the Dilley Immigration Processing Center that sickened her in the first place — without Amelia's birth certificate, her vaccination records, the nebulizer medication doctors had prescribed her, or the bag of clean clothes a nurse had given the pair, because, well, abject cruelty IS the point. Isn't it good to be great again?

Dr. Oz reveals Trump's alarming Diet Coke delusion
Donald says Diet Coke wards off cancer. His reasoning? If you pour his beverage of choice on a plot of grass, it kills it. Ergo, it must have the same effect on cancer. Other substances known to effectively kill grass include: bleach, RoundUp, acetic acid, rubbing alcohol, and drain cleaners. No word on whether or not the man in charge of the world's most lethal nuclear arsenal has ever given any of those alternatives a try.

New York drops the ball on landmark climate legislation
Evergreen Action: In 2019, New York passed one of the most ambitious climate laws in the country, setting bold targets to achieve 100% clean electricity, reduce emissions by 85%, and invest in more affordable, reliable energy. But intense lobbying from Big Oil is fueling efforts to weaken this historic law. Will you add your name to demand New York legislators protect the climate law and propel us to a cleaner, more affordable energy future?

Trump posts AI-generated image of a golden Trump Tower on the Moon
We know it looks like a leaked still from next year's "Spaceballs 2" sequel, but rest deeply unassured, it most certainly is not. Can someone please take granddad's phone away, even for a few hours at night?

Nearly half of Americans hold some form of vaccine skepticism, poll finds
Human rock tumbler and anti-vaccine quack Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is unfortunately winning his war against science, a huge loss for the rest of humanity. Buckle up for a bumpy ride, folks. With an astounding 46% of Americans believing that "facts on vaccines are still up for debate and it is damaging to enforce their uptake," it sure looks like highly infectious and formerly eradicated diseases are set for major comebacks. At least we all have quality, affordable, comprehensive health insurance to fall back on when the next epidemic strikes! Shit, wait.