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"Hooker In Boots" (Melania) Didn't Make $7 Million. Let's Do The Money Laundering Math.
An estimated 90% of the revenue for "Melania" was inorganic. AKA "ticket laundering" by the world's most successful hooker.
There are box office successes.
There are box office failures.
And then there are box office miracles/failures like “Hooker in Boots” (Melania)
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“Hooker in Boots” (Melania) is the kind of miracle/failure where the numbers look incredible, the headlines practically write themselves, and yet somehow… no one actually saw the movie, and fewer admitted to seeing it.
Welcome to the strange, hollow success story of “Hooker In Boots” (Melania) — a film that allegedly grossed $7 million while leaving behind a trail of empty auditoriums, canceled screenings, and theatre managers wondering if the audience was hiding in the ceiling.
This isn’t about taste.
It’s not about politics.
It’s about math — and the inconvenient reality that box office revenue does not equal audience demand.
So let’s do the math, they REALLY don’t want you to do because “Melania” is some historically terrible shit, and according to the gold standard, IMDB, it’s the worst movie ever with the worst opening ever.
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The $7 Million Illusion
On paper, Melania looks like a hit. Seven figures. Victory-lap headlines. A narrative ready for cable news.
But box office accounting has a feature — not a bug — that makes this possible:
It does not care how tickets are purchased.
One ticket bought by one person counts exactly the same as thirty tickets bought by one person who never planned to attend.
Same revenue.
Same headlines.
Completely different reality.
And the reality, in this case, was a lot of empty seats.
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Let’s Assume the Quiet Part Is True
Multiple industry analysts, exhibitors, and people who actually work in theatres have floated a number that keeps coming up:
Up to 90% of Melania’s box office may have been inorganic.
So let’s assume it for a moment and see what happens.
Reported gross:
$7,000,000
Assumed inorganic share:
90%
Do the math.
That’s $6.3 million in padded, bulk-purchased, prepaid, or otherwise non-organic revenue.
That leaves *$700,000 in actual consumer demand.
Not ideology.
Not loyalty.
Not financial signaling.
People who independently chose to buy a ticket and sit down.
What That Looks Like in Real Humans
This is the part that matters.
Average ticket price in the U.S. and Canada: about $13.
UK tickets hover around £10, roughly the same in dollars.
So if organic demand totaled $700,000, that means:
~53,800 people. Across multiple countries.
Across thousands of screens.
Across weeks of promotion.
That is not a hit.
That’s a touring PowerPoint with popcorn.
Allegedly, half of these were paid to attend.
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Or paid to attend WITH a free ticket (comped), so that number is likely closer to 22,000, which means the box office take for “Hooker In Boots” (Melania) is actually grossed closer to $300k USD - worldwide.
Tough (real) news for America’s First-Lady (Hooker).
This week wasn’t kind either.
On Friday, we found out that Melania is allegedly Epstein’s "sloppy seconds," after being gifted to Epstein first by Trump appointee Paolo Zampoli in the 90’s, as part of the Epstein Files, and was besties with Ghislaine Maxwell.
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Why 90% Isn’t a Crazy Estimate
Again — no one is claiming a smoking gun. But here’s why that number keeps surfacing:
Bulk ticket purchases by church groups, PAC-adjacent organizations, and nonprofits.
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Prepaid blocks counted as box office revenue whether anyone showed up or not.
Promotional “comps” included in gross tallies.
Third-party purchases that had nothing to do with consumer interest.
Reports of empty theatres paired with suspiciously strong grosses.
And then — the part that blew the cover —
Ads offering people cash to attend the movie.
When you have to pay people to sit in a seat, you’re not chasing demand. You’re chasing optics.
Box office math doesn’t care who bought the ticket.
Only that someone did. And I have yet to see a tweet from a Trump bootlicker bragging for Trump about “packed theaters.”
There are thousands of pictures and videos of empty theaters from around the world, though. The British of the Melania theaters was my favorite:
The Seats Told the Truth Anyway
And the seats were loud.
In Canada, Melania reportedly sold a total of four tickets.
Countrywide.
Multiple screenings.
In the UK, early reports indicated that one ticket had been sold.
An AMC theatre in Boston reportedly pulled the film after selling a single ticket
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At the same time, the headlines kept repeating the same line:
“Melania earns $7 million at the box office!”
Pure engineered bullshit fantasy built on a core value of the Trump Brand. Money Laundering.
What This Actually Was: Money Laundering Off Of A Larger $75 Million Bribe From Bezos
If 90% of the revenue was inorganic, then the $7 million number tells you nothing about popularity.
What this looks like instead is:
A financial signaling operation.
A political loyalty test from Bezos, who paid 75 million for the film in exchange for BILLIONS in military/Space contracts and visibility-laundering exercise.
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Not a consumer success story. Money laundering from an access bribe.
The old Trump “double dip.’
This wasn’t a movie release designed to fill theatres.
It was a transaction designed to manufacture legitimacy.
And it worked — if all you read were the numbers.
The Bottom Line
“Hooker In Boots” (Melania) didn’t pull crowds.
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It pulled credit cards.
It didn’t pack theatres.
It packed spreadsheets.
It didn’t move audiences.
It laundered money through global box offices, then called it a “record setter.”
And that’s why the $7 million figure sounds impressive…
Until you ask the only question that matters:
Who was actually sitting in the seats (22k paid, worldwide).
Turns out — almost nobody. And we have’t talked about comped (free) tickets yet.
LOLZ.
If this is the last “Melania,” I’m kinda sad about it. Her press junket promo tour was the highlight of my year. Like watching the world's dumbest, most successful hooker practice for her English-as-a-second-language tour on national TV.
JUST A FEW OF MANY COMMENTS THEY DON'T GET ANY BETTER:
Off topic but Rachel Maddow did her first story this week on MSNow about the Canadian Billionaire who wanted to sell his warehouse in a Virginia town to ICE. Thank you to the Canadian workers from his store and the Canadian businesses that said they would boycott this billionaire’s business if he sold. The sale is not going through now. The town in Virginia also protested heavily against a prison complex. Thank you to Canada for standing up 🙏
I love om Virginia and am ever thankful for anyone with enough clout to stop the building of an ICE facility here. We are fighting ICE in every way we can but can use this type of help whenever available. Thank you, Canada. It would be good for the citizens to know the name of that billionaire willing to sell his building to ICE.
I posted it above in response to that question and you were seen by the world Hanover County Virginia. This was an excellent piece highlighting the extent of your public comments and the protest outside of the hearing. Congratulations!
This is the topic. The Trump regime and its corruption and all that are involved in it. Right on for the Canadians who spoke truth to corrupt power.
This is going around in Germany. Letter from Germans to Americans. I first heard it read by a grannie of "Omas gegen Rechts" Grannies against the Far Right. I could not find a link so I am sharing this one of a man reading their message.
https://youtu.be/Q-Z6M-LDXWg?si=9shePRWcnotM07sp
Every demonstration against the far right that I go to in Germany has Omas singing their songs of protest. People in other countries are rooting for the American opposition to the fascism in the regime. We are the opposition. Most Americans are opposing in the US, and some of us are opposing from Abroad. The two of the organizations I belong to are Democrats Abroad
https://www.democratsabroad.org/
Indivisible Abroad https://indivisibleabroad.org/
While we the opposition are resisting, others in the world are with us.
I understand you are being facetious about actually promoting violence retribution. We are the opposition and the world is finally watching us, and by showing up and resisting we are gaining support far and wide, and helping the world to understand that being American does not mean supporting Trump and his policies.
Today I once again got a request to spread a petition saying to keep ICE out of Europe. If you read German it will make more sense, but you can see the number that have signed it so far. And there are two more such petitions going around to end up at the Federal Government. https://weact.campact.de/petitions/trump-stoppen-einreiseverbot-fur-ice-agenten-in-die-eu
And Italy is having this protest. They have been having protests a lot of late about ICE coming to the Winter Olympics. ICE Out Now! Visibility event with local coalition partners this Saturday in Florence, 4 pm https://www.facebook.com/61576013661049/posts/pfbid02yZWQVksHd6WssdGMMrAEi5xdLLaxVPsq3B25HzNKhsqNDPvueZtCB94iyvMc5nMSl/?
How can a foreign country (U.S.) possibly be allowed to send an enforcement team to a sovereign country?
That's a really good question. I'm not sure Italy's president is a Trump fan anymore, though he thinks she is.
What is the man's name and the name of his warehouse?
Jim Pattison Group is the seller and his grocery store workers are the heroes who wrote a letter against this proposed sale. Point Blank is the company behind withholding business with Pattison Media and Pattison Outdoor That’s all I can get from the show. Pattison group has subsidiaries of the same name I guess
HOT DAMN. I know Jim from my earlier and former days in Canada. Coincidentally, he and I were born in Saskatchewan. He is from Saskatoon, and I am from Nokomis.
In fact, multi-decades ago, when I was running and managing ad agencies in Canada, we purchased outdoor billboards from his firm.
In early 2022, the 93-year-old Pattison was still working full-time. According to Forbes, his net worth at the time was $5.7 billion, up substantially from the $2.1 billion reported in March 2009. In September 2020, a news item stated that "Jim Pattison Group Inc. had $10.9 billion in revenue and employed 48,000 people.
He is the sole owner of the firm.
I will write to him immediately.
Unfortunately there is one a few towns from my home in NJ, I just foundcout about it. There are large warehouses being built all over in SNJ. What for unknown...
Scary times
Indeed, protesting at the site has seen good results, pass it on!
Housing for immigrants who will be kidnapped by Trump and Noem's ICE death squad.
Horrid!
They could be for AI server farms.
Rachel did a fantastic job covering that and all the other places that are rejecting facilities for ICE!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA!
How many Amazon workers have to lose their jobs to pay for Bezos' $75m Melania movie flop? We did the math.
https://wakelet.com/wake/341qVhO6yH6OU9SeLPvj-
Great work!
$75m is chump change to Bezos. I think he spent more than that on his wedding.
"Hooker in boots" had me roaring, even before I listened to your financial analysis of the film's faliure. thanks for that!
Epstein's PU**Y in Boots.
Trump bought millions worth of tickets!
Still not a soul in my theaters
Of course!! Remember when a member of right would author a book and it would be on NY Times Bestseller list. We found out large conservative organizations would buy them at thousands of books a clip. Voile'!! A bestseller.
Hilarious, but no one is citing the obvious analagy.
The movie that lays out this scenario is the all-time classic Citizen Kane, Welles's parody of Wm Randolph Hearst. Hearst was the 20th-century master of press propaganda.
The character's name was Susan, a wannabe soprano with no talent except in bed, and a single vanity concert to her name. The nickname was Rosebud.
Modeled off Marion Davies, Hearst’s longtime mistress. Hearst’s wife Millicent absolutely refused to let Hearst divorce her, so they were married until Hearst died in 1951. Millicent lived in New York City, while Hearst and Davies lived in baronial splendor at San Simeon. Marion Davies was an actress with a talent for light comedy, but Hearst often miscast her in dance and musicals. Davies found consolation in booze and had to hide her supply from Hearst, who was a teetotaler and would have been upset at Davies’s appetite for alcohol.
Correct. I left out Marion in fairness to the real-life person; Welles's parody Susan was a caricature, and finally provoked Hearst to cripple Welles and his future in flims.
I'd love to see someone do a parody of 'Melania'; I'd call it 'Mela Means Apple In Italian'.
Yes , Susan was a parody. Marion Davies did have talent for light comedy, but she didn’t receive much opportunity to use it in her movies.
I wrote a Substack Note on this but it's worth repeating because I hear all the rumors:
Rumor is that Trump is so confident that the cowards in mainstream media will continue to ignore his role in the Epstein child trafficking cabal that he and Melania are planning an X-rated prequel to “Melania” called “Melania: The Very Early Years.”
True story? Hey, why not?
Our Substack community includes some sex workers who are beautiful humans and the title feels a bit derogatory... But know that I'm sitting over here smirking at the stats and the rating.
1.1/10 is actually impressive. 😏
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