Another Trump sex criminal is caught
It’s Thursday. There are 600 days until the midterm elections. Walz gets back on the field, another Trump sex criminal is caught and it’s time to shut it down.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. What are we supposed to do when some crazy assholes are attacking Habitat for Humanity?
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya today? Yeah, us too. What can we say? Things are pretty fucked up. It’s mornings like this we count our blessings and thank dog for giving us Ted Cruz to make fun of and humiliate…
LOL! At least Cruz isn’t posting porn anymore. So Ted wants to know what we would ask Elon Leon over a beer? Oh we can definitely help with this. So here’s a list of questions we came up with…
What’s your fucking problem?
No, seriously, what’s your fucking problem?
Do you think Ted Cruz’s wife is ugly like Trump does? Or perhaps fugly?
Are you the world’s first virgin to have 20 kids?
Why do you hate America? Is it because we’re cool and you’re not?
Why does your weirdo mommy fight your battles for you?
Whose ass tastes better? Trump’s or Putin’s?
Where do they plug you in at night? And how can we liberate your poor inflatable sex doll?
How many presidents do you think Cruz’s dad killed?
Who kidnapped us and forced us to have a beer with your creepy nazi ass?
What did we forget? Feel free to add your own questions for Elon Leon in the comments section. Don’t feel compelled to be polite. The high road is for suckers, and that guy is a fucking asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Great news for champagne producers in the U.S. as Trump loses his temper and announces 200 percent tariffs on French alcohol. What’s that you say? America doesn’t have champagne producers? Why that would mean we’re being led by a moron! More: CNBC
Note three: Some rare good news as Trump withdraws his anti-vaxxer pick to lead the CDC. Unfortunately, we’re hearing he’s going to give the job to COVID. More: NBC News
Note four: New Hampshire has made it harder for married women to vote. Are we seriously gonna have to do the suffrage movement again? More: NHPR
Note five: THIS IS THE FIRE WE WANT TO SEE EVERY GODDAMN SECOND OF EVERY GODDAMN DAY!
Note six: We don’t link to Politico, but there’s a story about how Democrats in Washington are pissed that Gavin Newsom is doing a hard-right turn and bro-ing out with Steve Bannon and Charlie Kirk. We feel the same way and we really can’t wait for the chance to vote against him. NO LINK ON PURPOSE
Note seven: We love this. The New York Daily News is talking shit to Tom Homan. More: NY Daily News
Note eight: Mayor Pete is passing on a U.S. Senate run in Michigan and probably going to run for president again. Democrats are damn lucky to have a deep bench right now. More: Huff Post
Note nine: Holy crap! Donatella Versace is stepping down! We’re just kidding. We don’t actually care about this. More: People
Note 10: Want to see how shit-filled evil our country is these days? Hell is too good for Trump and his scum.
Note 11: Fox “News” is telling its viewers to ignore Trump’s tanking stock market. Sounds like good advice. More: Mediaite
Note 12: CNN’s civility police officer Brianna Keilar was back on her bullshit yesterday, daring to ask Sen. Tina Smith if it was appropriate to call Elon Leon a “dick.” Thank goodness for the press, right? We get that Brianna is painfully out of touch or just desperately trying to keep her job, but this shit is getting old. More: The Hill
Note 13: NPR told one of its big name hosts to skip a Pride celebration. So that’s where NPR is these days. More: Semafor
Note 14: Trump has directed the military to draw up some options for Panama. So just remember that things have just begun to get really fucking stupid. More: NBC News
Note 15: In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Jig Dance (JD) Vance dressed up as an actual leprechaun. Whoever is dressing Vance hates him as much as we do lol.
Note 16: Utah is so bigoted now that they might lose the Sundance Film Festival. Stop being assholes, Utah! More: Utah Political Watch
Note 17: In a debate last night, Wisconsin Supreme Court candidate Susan Crawford called her MAGA opponent Brad Schimel “Elon Schimel.” We love it. Git his ass, Susan! More: Associated Press
Note 18: We weren’t kidding about the FBI going after Habitat for Humanity. They’re going after the United Way too. Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up. More: New Republic
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Greenland. We mentioned earlier this week that the country was having its parliamentary elections. Well the results are in and the only pro-Trump party got absolutely trounced. The people have spoken and they said Fuck Trump. Good job, Greenland! More: Associated Press
Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. And we hope even more that you never have to get a beer with Elon Leon. Love y’all!
Put him in, coach
Tim Walz is back. Fresh off announcing he won’t run for the U.S. Senate, the guy who could have been our non-couch-fucking vice president is setting off on a national tour to call out scary and mean Republican bullshit. Walz is doing a town hall tour, and he’s starting in Iowa and Nebraska before heading to Wisconsin and Ohio. Walz gave a powerful interview yesterday in which he said “I own this” and talked about the responsibility he felt for where we are now. We’re just glad to see him back on the field. Go get ‘em, coach. More: CNN
A pervy pattern
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Another one of Trump’s friends has been indicted for sex crimes against children. So the QAnon freaks missed another one. Robert Morris, a megachurch preacher and Trump’s former spiritual adviser, was indicted in Oklahoma for raping a 12 year old in the 1980s. So this guy is definitely a Trumper. This is the same piece of shit that Gov. Greg Abbott worked with on the anti-trans bathroom bill. They’re all fucking creeps. Lock them up and throw away the fucking key. Start with Trump. More: Texas Tribune
Shut it down
The federal government shuts down tomorrow unless Senate Democrats fold and vote to condone Trump and Leon Elon’s fascist power grab. There have been some mixed signals out of the Senate in the last day or so, and it’s been pretty unclear which way they are headed. Yesterday Schumer announced that Republicans didn’t have the votes to pass their bullshit CR, but it looked like a head fake to pacify us before they did a 180 and let Republicans vote on this disaster. As of this morning though, we are optimistic that they’re going to do the right thing. We are seeing people like Mark Warner say they will vote against cloture. So maybe Senate Democrats have located their spines. We can only hope. More: NBC News
Today’s clips
The wife of Mahmoud Khalil, the Palestinian activist who was detained by ICE agents over his role in student protests at Columbia University’s campus against Israel’s war in Gaza last year, on Wednesday said she was wrong to dismiss his earlier concerns about becoming a target for immigration agents. More: Huff Post
North Dakota lawmakers are on the verge of making their state the first to tell the U.S. Supreme Court to overturn its decade-old ruling that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide. More: NBC News
Turmoil on Wall Street is keeping financial planners’ phones ringing as 401(k) holders watch their retirement account balances fall with the stock markets they’re tied to. For the most part, they’re being told to sit tight and breathe through it. More: NBC News
Jewish and Muslim advocacy groups condemned President Trump for calling Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) a “Palestinian,” arguing he used it as a slur against the long-time lawmaker. More: The Hill
An hours-long outage Wednesday on StudentAid.gov, the federal website for student loans and financial aid, underscored the risks in rapidly gutting the Department of Education, as President Donald Trump aims to dismantle the agency. More: Associated Press
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