Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more No Cats Have Disappeared, Say Springfield's Mice Sep 19 Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash SPRINGFIELD, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—In a stinging indictment of JD Vance, the mouse community of Springfield, Ohio asserted on Thursday that there has been “no decline whatsoever” in the town’s feline population. “While JD Vance sees fit to spread false rumors he’s read on the Internet, we’re the ones scurrying about on the ground,” an official statement from the mice read. “We can assure you that cats are alive and well in Springfield—unfortunately.” Warning the Ohio senator to “stop gaslighting mice,” the rodents added, "We object to being used in JD Vance's experiments." In an extraordinary coincidence, a cat in Springfield that briefly went missing before being found is named Miss Sassy, which is also what high school classmates called JD Vance.