CHICAGO (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest sign that Kamala Harris is expanding her coalition, on Wednesday Melania Trump announced that she will speak on the final night of the Democratic National Convention. Explaining her decision to speak, Mrs. Trump said, "None of us can stand another four years of Donald Trump." “I DO care—don’t you?” she added. Indicating that she planned to steer clear of the personal attacks that have typified the Republican campaign, she said, "When they go worst, we go best." Melania said she is already contemplating what her life might look like after Donald Trump, adding, “I may get cat.”
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