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ALEXANDRIA, VA (The Borowitz Report)—Sen. JD Vance has been “seething with jealousy” after witnessing Donald J. Trump embrace another weirdo, a source close to the vice-presidential nominee reported on Thursday.
According to the source, Vance “threw a Diet Mountain Dew at the TV” last week when he saw a clearly smitten Trump canoodling with another freak at a rally in Arizona.
“It looks like he’s moved on to a new whack job,” a disconsolate Vance told the source. “I thought we had something special.”
The source said Vance was “at a loss” as to how he could win back Trump’s heart from such a formidable crackpot.
“How can I compete with a brain worm, a dead bear, and a severed whale head?” he reportedly asked. “Maybe I really should have sex with a couch.”
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