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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest major appointment, on Thursday Donald J. Trump nominated a new chief of the Central Intelligence Agency.
Speaking to reporters, Trump praised his nominee’s “extensive experience with Russia.”
“I have phone conversations with him every day, and he knows everything I know,” Trump told reporters. “Plus, the CIA won’t be the first spy agency he’s worked for.”
Citing another qualification of his nominee, Trump said, “He already has a great working relationship with Tulsi.”
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About The Borowitz Report
“There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.” —Will Rogers
Hello!
If you’re meeting me for the first time, I’m Andy Borowitz, a writer and comedian. I live in New Hampshire with my wife, daughter, and dog, a goldendoodle named Cookie. I’m not posting a photo of Cookie because if I did you’d want to subscribe to his newsletter instead of mine.
I’ve been writing satirical news since I was eighteen. This represents either commitment to a genre or arrested development.
In high school, I became editor of the newspaper solely because it produced an annual April Fool’s issue. Later, as president of The Harvard Lampoon, I published parodies of the college newspaper, which got me hauled into the office of Dean Archie C. Epps III, which was his actual name.
For the next two decades, I took a break from news satire while I waited for the Internet to be invented. Then, in 2001, I started emailing made-up news stories to friends. One suggested that creating a “website” would make it easier to “blast” my “posts.” Soon, The Borowitz Report was live at BorowitzReport.com, and my free newsletter was reaching untold dozens of people.
I thought that the column would be a fun pastime and might entertain my friends. But they shared my posts with their friends, and the newsletter attracted more subscribers.
In 2012 The Borowitz Report moved to The New Yorker, which published it for the next eleven years. The column acquired readers around the world, including in the Chinese media, who believed a story I published about Donald Trump wrapping the White House’s phones in tinfoil.
Now, just in time for the 2024 election, The Borowitz Report is once again an independent newsletter. You’ll receive every Borowitz Report via email—not just the headline, but the entire story—for free.
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Introducing:
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In the words of the eminent historian Doris Kearns Goodwin, “The 2024 campaign promises to be a total shitshow.” Actually, Doris didn’t say that. I did. But Doris is super-smart, so I’m sure she’d agree with me.
How will we endure 2024? For some of you, alcohol will be the answer. For others, edibles. But I’m offering a remedy that’s considerably cheaper and has provoked no warnings from the World Health Organization: The Total Borowitz Report Experience.
By upgrading your free subscription to The Total Experience, you’ll get subscriber-only content, like the Sunday Read, a longer-than-usual piece intended to brighten your Sundays. You’ll also get live events including online Q and As with me, plus access to the entire Borowitz Report archives. Best of all, you’ll become a member of the Borowitz Report community, enabling you to comment on my posts and interact with other community members in a troll-free environment.
How much does The Total Experience cost? $5 a month, or only $4.17 a month if you buy a yearly subscription. By contrast, a bottle of cannabis gummies can run as much as $70, and you might down it in the course of one presidential debate. You can compare free and paid subscriptions here:
Whatever subscription you choose, welcome! We’ve been through a lot over the last few years—and together, we’ll get through this election, too.
Love,
Andy
P.S. Okay, since you’ve been patient enough to read this whole thing, here’s Cookie:
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