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By the Times Obituary Staff
A system of government, once the dream of Enlightenment visionaries including Thomas Paine, Benjamin Franklin and John Locke, died quietly last night in voting booths across America with the American people themselves agreeing to end the experiment that ultimately never fully attained its potential as a nation of true equals.
Founded during the brutal genocide of the Native Peoples, and then built on the backs of kidnapped and enslaved Africans, American Democracy proclaimed in its founding document that “all men are created equal” — although none of the founding fathers actually believed that, even though they thought the sentiment “sounded nice.”
Having not been attempted for over 2,000 years since the Greeks first invented their form of democratic government, American Democracy was born in 1776 as part of a rebellion against British taxation, British courts wanting to eliminate the slave trade and the King of England issuing a proclamation acknowledging that Native Americans had suffered “great Frauds and Abuses” and promising that no further British settlements would be built west of the Appalachian Mountains. This infuriated the wealthier colonists who then decided to take up arms against the Crown.
The eventual American Constitution guaranteed that only 10% of its citizens — just the white male property owners — could participate in its Democracy. For the next 200 years, America tried to improve on its idea — ending slavery, letting women vote, letting people marry whom they wanted to marry, etc., but they never could get it quite right.
By the 21st century, new Christian Nationalist leaders emerged promising to “make America great again” which inspired the dwindling White majority to become politically active. At the same time, the more liberal Americans grew tired of politics and spent their time amusing themselves with “binge watching” and “craft beers.”
In yesterday’s historic election, tens of millions of voters showed up to put American Democracy out of its misery. Newly elected Senators and Congressmen promised more religious laws like the ones banning abortion and sodomy.
Conservative leaders from the UK to Italy to Brazil hailed “America’s courage in ending its flawed attempt to promise ‘freedom’ and ‘equality’ when both are in direct contradiction to capitalism and the free market,” said Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orbán.
To celebrate their victory, MAGA groups across the U.S. tonight are holding Critical Race Theory book burnings and round-ups of those who “are confused about which gender they are,” said the Leader’s son.
ICYMI:
Mike’s Midterm Tsunami of Truths:
Truth #1: The Campaign
Truth #2: Even a kid from 4th hour Trig class can beat this crowd
Truth #3: The Haters, the Bigots and the Supremacists Always Lose in the End
Truth #4: Introducing The Whackadoodle 10
Truth #5: Trump is not the Big Bad Wolf. But he is very afraid of You.
Truth #6: The Easy-to-Digest Republican Party Platform
Truth #7: Biden, Don’t F**k with Me
Truth #8: If you’re not registered, you can’t Roe, Roe, Roe the Vote!
Truth #9: Why will we win? Because the American people hate fascism.
Truth #10: Meet Blake Masters, Whackadoodle No. 9
Truth #11: 147 Reasons We Will Win on November 8th
Truth #12: Biden just gave us a boost and a toke.
Truth #13: Women. That’s it.
Truth #14: If the Mainstream Media Thinks There’s a Chance We May Be Right about Roevember, Watch Out.
Truth #15: Republican candidate for Governor of Pennsylvania, Whackadoodle No. 8
Truth #16: As Alex Jones has now been fined a billion dollars for his lies, that is nothing compared to the punishment other Republicans are going to get on November 8th.
Truth #17: Early Voting, Mail-in Voting, Dropbox Voting — These Were Made for Libs, Hard Workers, Book Readers, Artists, Busy Parents, Slackers, and Progressives like us! In other words, The Majority!
Truth #18: The Good Queen vs. The Mad King
Truth #19: A Workers' Revolt Extends to the Voting Booth
Truth #20: We Are in Charge
Truth #21: Don’t believe it.
Truth #22: If the election is about inflation and the economy, THANK GOD — We Win
Truth #23: We Believe in Science. And that’s why we will win.
Truth #24: Vote Local, Win National
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