An adult child’s guide to tough conversations with aging parents

Estate planning experts Surprenant & Beneski help families through the journey

Melissa Karns,

for Surprenant & Beneski

Published Dec. 19, 2022 

Growing up doesn’t mean difficult conversations are over. Adults need to talk about life’s tough stuff — this time with aging parents.

Whether it’s over the holidays or another occasion throughout the year, seize any valuable opportunity to speak with aging loved ones about what they would like to happen should they become unable to care for themselves.

While this can be difficult, most people feel better when they talk about it. According to a report by Fidelity Investments, 93% of adult children and 95% of aging parents said they had greater peace of mind after having a detailed conversation about estate planning.

What is an estate plan?

An estate plan allows a person to choose a trusted individual to make decisions on their behalf if they are unable to do in the event of disability or disease. After death, an estate plan ensures that assets are distributed according to the plan.

Start the process by finding an elder law attorney that is certified by the National Elder Law Foundation. In Massachusetts, Surprenant & Beneski, P.C. belongs to this elite group. Their managing partners, Daniel M. Surprenant and Michelle D. Beneski are certified elder law attorneys (CELAs). Surprenant & Beneski has three office locations throughout the state — in Easton, New Bedford and Hyannis.

Beneski guides her clients through some of life’s most difficult discussions. “Before any conversation, it’s important to recognize that this is a touchy subject,” Beneski said. “The child needs to keep the parents’ feelings about control and respect in mind when beginning the conversation.”

Still unsure where to begin? Consider this guide to discussing what’s next with aging parents.

How to start difficult conversations

While it’s hard to talk about end-of-life issues, many resources are available. Beneski gave the following tips for starting the conversation:

• Be clear about approaching the topic out of care and concern.
• State that the goal is to ensure they have the quality of life they want, which can only be done by understanding what their wishes are should they get sick or be unable to care for themselves.
• Understand some decisions may have already been made; listen without judgment.
• Always stay neutral.

“Remember, this is not one conversation, it is a series of many conversations,” Beneski said. “It is always better to be proactive in considering their options rather than having to make quick spur-of-the-moment choices once an incident has occurred or another factor is forcing their hand.”

Here are some questions to consider asking an aging parent:

1. How do you want to be cared for if you need help in the future?
2. Are you open to having someone come into your home to provide care?
3. How do you feel about assisted living?
4. How do you feel about nursing homecare should in-home care not be an option?
5. Have you considered how to pay for care?
6. Have you planned with a financial advisor to make sure you have the income you’ll need?
7. Do you have long-term care insurance? 
8. Have you investigated how to qualify for government benefits to pay for care?

A critical tool: The estate plan

Being proactive allows aging parents to stay in control. Some important documents should be ready, especially a good estate plan, which details wishes for property and financial assets.

When people think about estate planning, they often only think about a will. But an effective plan is much more than a will; it also includes important legal documents everyone should have. The team at Surprenant & Beneski can help with these documents that are useful for long-term planning.

Here’s a simple breakdown of the foundational documents:

• A Healthcare Proxy allows a person to designate a healthcare representative to make medical decisions on their behalf if they become incapacitated.
• A HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) Authorization allows a person to grant access to their private healthcare information. A HIPAA Authorization allows a designee to speak directly with doctors, pharmacies, insurance companies to get information, clarify and resolve any issues.
• An Advance Directive details the kind of care a person does or does not want. This can make it easier for family members making tough healthcare decisions.
• A Durable Power of Attorney empowers a person to name the individual they want to make financial and legal decisions in the event they become incapacitated. This individual may act on their behalf for any legal or financial task (i.e. selling real estate, accessing individually-owned accounts, etc.).
• A Last Will & Testament allows one to name the person they want their money and property to go to after they die. A deed can determine who will receive any real estate.

In addition to the foundational documents, there are other tools such as trust planning that may be considered to preserve and protect assets.

“It’s important to discuss all of these things and allow the parent to make sure the person they want to assist them has the legal ability to do so and understands their wishes,” Beneski said.

If the proper legal documents aren’t in place before a parent gets sick, families must go to court to obtain conservatorship to manage the parent’s finances and become a healthcare proxy.  This can be a costly, time-consuming task that can be overwhelming for caregivers.

Help is available

The team at Surprenant & Beneski understands that there is not a one-size-fits-all approach to estate planning. Every estate plan is as unique as the client and their goals. However, there are certain foundational estate planning documents that every Massachusetts resident — aging parents and adult children alike — should have, including a will, a durable power of attorney and a health care proxy.

Consider scheduling a family consultation with one of our estate planning attorneys to ensure everything is in place. If an estate plan is in place, an estate planning attorney will review it to affirm it is structured to work as intended. Our firm offers a complementary 3-year review to clients. As one’s finances, health and other circumstances change, it is important to ensure that their estate plan evolves to meet their current goals.

“Talking about estate planning with your parents can be challenging, but it’s important that you and your family members have these conversations openly, honestly and frequently to better prepare for the future,” said Beneski. “It’s not just about money. It’s about quality of life for your parents and yourselves. The sooner you have conversations about your parents’ future, the better.”

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