Sunday being a day for prayer, I give you this inspiring prayer from Lance Wallnau, one of those preachers who fancies himself God’s mouthpiece. Lightly annotated.
Wallnau: “Lord, I pray that you will raise up spirit-inspired leaders of the populist movement. [God thumbs through his historical dictionary. “P, po, populism, let’s see” … .] That even in America, the Christian populists would begin to rise up to restore the nation [God: “Hey, Cherub #3. Who does he have in mind elsewhere in the world that I’m supposed to compare these populists to?”]; Christian nationalists that love America and that are sane and rational [God: “Whew. They got the message. I can finally send them some sane and rational folk.”] and want to see America not destroyed by the globalists [God: “Shit, bring me that dictionary again”].
“Let a movement arise that restrains these elites, Lord. [God: “So who’s an ‘elite’ now?! I can never keep it straight.] Lord, I pray that you would do it in the United States, that we would have such a cleansing of the House in November. [God: “Oh good. I can wait till November to work on this.] Oh God, give us leaders like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz, give us great leaders like [Madison] Cawthorn. [God: “Um, but I thought you said, didn’t I hear something about ‘sane and rational.’ What do you think I am? A miracle worker?!”] Give us great leaders that will rise up and be mouthpieces, bold, on fire, clear, articulate, and on fire with their subject. Let freedom ring, Lord.” [God: “Right. The whole mask thing. I’ll get right on that after I try to save some lives in Ukraine.”]
I checked in with my source in the heavenlies to see how God was taking all this. My source, the aforementioned Cherub #3, was chagrined. He’d just gotten a royal ass-chewing. He reported the following conversation with the Almighty.
God: So, how’s your plan working Cherub #3?! I wanted to convince my folks that I’m actually a pretty liberal guy. More Jesus than Old Testament. Kind of fond of love, which I thought I’d mentioned a time or two, more than getting all hung up on rules and regs and ruining the lives of folks who love beyond the missionary position.
Cherub #3: Right.
God: So you said, answer their prayers with a black liberal. Obama you said. Give them Obama. They’ll see the light. That I want them to embrace folks not in their closed-off communities.
Cherub #3: Right.
God: But you thought, given how long I’d avoided their churches, oh Me, too painful to sit through all the yelling and flopping and the guilt, Medamn, the guilt! So you thought they’d have a hard time seeing Obama as my choice. So you suggested giving them an alternate so absurd that they’d have no choice but to see Obama as the answer to their prayers.
Cherub #3: Right.
God: Hence Sarah Palin.
Cherub #3: Right.
God: And how did that go?
Cherub #3: Well Obama won, but your people kind of, well, they didn’t catch on.
God: Right.
Cherub #3: They thought Sarah was your choice.
God: You really know how to hurt me.
Cherub #3: They thought Satan had won.
God: Holy mother of me, how stupid can they be?!
Cherub #3: Do you really want me to answer that?
God: You’re on thin ice buddy.
Cherub #3: Right.
God: So you suggested we double down on the plan. Over the years we sent them, who now?
Cherub #3: Um, well, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachman, Herman Cain, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee …
God: Stop! Stop! I’m feeling a little sick. Mentioning the Huckster is a really low blow. So, basically you’re suggesting we emptied the clown car. And they still thought those were the folks we wanted them to follow?!
Cherub #3: Right.
God: Inconceivable.
Cherub #3: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
God: Shut the …
Cherub #3: Actually we hadn’t completely emptied the clown car.
God (moaning with head in hands): Oh me, oh me. I know. And what happened next is truly inconceivable.
Cherub #3: I’m inclined to agree. We thought if we found the most ignorant, the most moronic, the most inconceivably stupid human we could find, that …
God: I know, I know. Just stop. Don’t mention that name. Please. It’s more than I can bear.
Cherub #3: And they got him elected.
God: Right.
Cherub #3: And they praised you for doing it.
God: Just stop. Does the term “seppuku” mean anything to you?! Do you still want a God in the universe?! Just blame me for him one more time, and you’ll see.
Cherub #3: I don’t think that’s actually possible. For you to, you know.
God: Oh I’ll find a way.
Cherub #3: And now they’re asking you to send them more leaders like Marjorie Taylor …
At this point, or so my source tells me, God curled into a fetal position and began a low keening. My source thought he heard the Almighty say something along the lines of “If you finish that sentence I’ll turn you into a toad,” or some such thing, so he beat a hasty retreat.
But he did pass along a sobering bit of news. He said, and I quote, “Actually, there’s a few more cages in the clown car that we haven’t unlocked. Pray we don’t have to release them” …
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